Everyone remembers their first time. I have fond memories of mine. I just put two and two together about it and thought I would share.
I’ve been a digital dating expert for 16 years. I was 14 and using that dial-up on AOL. You remember, right?
28.8 kpshunbfjn whatever
Good, we are logged in.
Hello AOL! My parents have a few bucks. No Netscape bullshit here. 1am, sneak downstairs and use the ol’ computadora. This is, after all, my first experience with pornography.
Girls would load one line at a time. It would take you twenty seconds to see a boob and then you’d make that decision if you’d wait for the rest or move on. The days of dial-up Internet and scrambled PPV (I still miss scrambled PPV).
Chat rooms were for the pros, at that point and time. They weren’t easy to navigate and they weren’t as easily separated towards localities back then.
My favorite was “Beach Party Chat”. Everyone would pretend we were at the beach, hanging out, sipping cocktails. People would write things like…
Then of course you had the private messages and that’s where the Internet hookup pioneers were lurking.
This is where I met a 28 year old, experienced vet (not of the military kind).
Experienced Vet: what’s up?
MABigD83 (I wish my user name was that smart then): nothing, yo.
And oh, the intelligent conversation was flowing.
Experienced Vet: A/S/L
Oh shit, if I say 14/m, I won’t get any of that veteran knowledge. I got a few facial hairs. Fuck it.
MABigD83: 17/M/Downers Grove. But I turn 18 in August!
Experienced Vet: Nice. Pic?
Now back in the dial up days of AOL you could load a few pictures to your profile and you also had a little icon, which could be pictures or basically any symbol you wanted representing you. This is the days where people had 4 pictures of themselves TOPS on their computer. Not 2,372 (oh, Instagram/Facebook/Twitter). I didn’t have the means to load on pictures. Back in the 90′s you needed a scanner or this brand new, very e pensive technology, a web cam. The web cam was NOT built into your computer. You had to buy it, hook it up, install software and my dad said it was just for perverts (he was right).
Dad: who needs a camera on their computer? Why would you want people to see you. It’s for perverts. (Obviously my dad didn’t invest in Skype).
So I sent the one picture I had of myself. My freshman football picture. I repeat my FRESHMAN football picture, though I’m trying to sell 18.
Back then you could explain your body type and all that nonsense and people took your word because everyone knew what a hassle it was to upload photos. Every now and then you’d get a know it all with a web cam and the pretentious fuck would annoy you until he could see his esophagus from me sticking the web cam up their ass.
This vet, for being 28 and on the Internet was hot. On the Internet scale this old sex fiend was an 8 (so a 6 in real life. Everyone posts their best pictures on their profile EXCEPT me and married people. My mother posts her best picture, though. So you always have to subtract two points for the in real life factor.)
We clicked. The experienced champion wanted to meet. Two problems.
Experienced Vet: What are you into?
Experienced Vet: um, yeah but like what kind.
I’m a virgin who has barely seen porn. The wonders of Napster and Kazaa JUST came out. I had no clue.
MABigD83: you know, regular. Or whatever.
Experienced Vet: are you a virgin?
MABigD83: I’m so offended right now.
Experienced Vet: I’m sorry. I didn’t mean too. Did you mean missionary?
Now I go to catholic school, so this gave me a good chuckle.
MABigD83: yes! Missionary.
I laughed so hard, you’d think Chris Farley just fell through my coffee table. You know, when SNL didn’t suck.
Experienced Vet: I’m in Palatine. Here’s my address. Come over Friday.
Fuck. I’m 14. I don’t drive.
Part two, tomorrow.